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Funny Thanks

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Funny Thanks

Post by Trooper on Sun Mar 28, 2010 4:50 am

I just want to thank all of you for your educational emails over the past year.

Thanks to you, I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel.

I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pass-time while driving alone is picking your nose. (Although cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot)

Eating a Little Debbie sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.



I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom. Yuck!



I must send my special thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.


I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our Amer ican troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan ..

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...

Have a wonderful day....

Oh, by the way.....

A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered
that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

lol!
Cool
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Trooper

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Join date : 2010-01-22
Age : 34
Location : Alabama

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Re: Funny Thanks

Post by Master Dread on Mon Mar 29, 2010 12:49 am

Dude, you're hilarious...

And I read my emails without my hand on the mouse.

Master Dread

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Re: Funny Thanks

Post by [WoF]GoA.Pun on Mon Mar 29, 2010 1:20 am

Hehehehehehehe pretty good!!
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Re: Funny Thanks

Post by Aegis on Mon Mar 29, 2010 4:38 pm

lolz to be honest i usually keep my hand on it because im schrolling but maybe it's because i have insuffisient brain activity
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Re: Funny Thanks

Post by Fuzzy on Mon Mar 29, 2010 5:28 pm

{MsM}Pvt.Trooper wrote:A German scientist from Argentina
is that even possible?

Fuzzy

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Re: Funny Thanks

Post by Kennison on Mon Mar 29, 2010 8:41 pm

Yeah, he's a nazi war criminal hiding out in South America.
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Re: Funny Thanks

Post by UncleFrank on Tue Mar 30, 2010 12:09 am

Yea and I never take my hand off my beverage when I eat either Smile
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Re: Funny Thanks

Post by Fuzzy on Tue Mar 30, 2010 5:16 pm

o

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Re: Funny Thanks

Post by Trooper on Wed Mar 31, 2010 3:25 am

Glad yall liked it.
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Re: Funny Thanks

Post by SurkuS on Wed Jul 14, 2010 10:19 pm

I laughed alot when i saw the "i cant get gas without bringing someone with me, incase a serial killer crawls in my back seat" or something like that lol! which now im finding ironic cuz look at my avatar. And no im not a killer, just looks cool lol
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Re: Funny Thanks

Post by Badger on Thu Jul 15, 2010 11:55 am

This just made my morning. Thank you.

Also,
...I just wish I knew 144,000 people. I don't want a camel hump Sad lol
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Badger

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Re: Funny Thanks

Post by Jordan on Thu Jul 15, 2010 1:32 pm

Awwww i dont know 144,000 people and i think a serial killer was hiding under my car i heard breathing like Darth Vader. I was scared oh well i cant send a pic of me to the geforce post cause i have a camel hump now.
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Re: Funny Thanks

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